When Anal Sex Doesn’t Work

Here’s a question that showed up in my in-box today:

Sometimes, when my boyfriend and I have anal sex, it’s really fun. But other times, it just doesn’t work. That doesn’t happen when we have regular intercourse. What are we doing wrong?

It’s sort of hard to give you a specific answer since there are lots of things that make anal sex awesome and you need to do them every time. But there are two thing in particular that I think might help with your on-again, off-again enjoyment of anal play.

First, you need to know how the anatomy of the pelvic floor and anus work. The external anal muscle (the first one that you would touch with a finger or toy or penis) is made of skeletal muscle. This is the kind of muscle that you can consciously control, like when you move your arm or foot. But the internal muscle is made of smooth muscle. These muscles are in your organs, your digestive system, your blood vessels, etc. No matter how much experience you have with anal play, you can’t ever get 100% control over the internal muscle.

That’s important because the pelvic floor tightens up when you get stressed out. Think about how a cat or dog tucks their tail when something scary happens. Your body does the same thing, and it doesn’t really matter where the stress is coming from. If you had a really busy day, or if you were stuck in rush hour traffic for two hours, or if you’re worried about whether anal play will be fun this time, it can make things tighten up. And that can make anal sex less fun. Even folks with lots of anal play experience can have it not work after a bad day.

So if that’s part of your situation, don’t let it stress you out more. Do something that does feel good, even if it’s not anal play. Or have fun with external anal stimulation without penetration. Or use a finger or a slim toy, rather than a penis. You can still have a great time. And the next time will probably be easier since you’ll know there’s no pressure.

Second, it’s important that you seduce the ass. Every time.

What I mean by that is that since your body can respond so differently from one day to another, you’ll have the most fun with anal play if you start every session as if you were brand new to it. Take it slow and invite your body to relax and open up. Don’t rush it, no matter how turned on you are and no matter how easy it was last time.

When you do that, you’ll be able to give your attention to your and your partner’s response. If that means that this time, you have to keep things slow or not go as far, you’ll know that before things get uncomfortable. And if your anal pleasures come together more easily, you’ll be able to ramp things up with more confidence. So take it easy and start off as if it’s your first time.

Have fun!

Four Things You Need To Know To Have Awesome Anal Sex

It probably won’t surprise you to hear that I love anal sex. After all, I’m one of the authors of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, and I teach lots of workshops about anal play, prostate massage, and related topics. Of course, that’s not all I do, but given how many people fantasize about anal sex, it’s no wonder that I get a lot of emails and questions about how to do it and make it fun.

The tricky thing about anal play is that you really do need to know what you’re doing if you want want it to feel good. The nerves in and around the ass are exquisitely sensitive, so they have a lot of erotic potential. That also means that if you don’t do it right, anal play can go from amazing to ouchy really quickly. My book and workshops have all of the how-to tips to make it pleasurable, but the right attitude is even more important than the technical skills. So here are a few tips to help you make the most of your anal adventure.

1. You’ll Get There Faster When You Slow Down

One of the many ways in which porn is terrible sex ed is that the performers almost always just dive right in, without any warm-up or lube. That’s because all of that happens before the camera gets rolling. Unfortunately, when viewers copy what they see on the screen, they can easily hurt themselves or their partners. Many of the messages I receive are from folks who want to know how to make anal sex more comfortable and more often than not, part of the problem is that they’re going too quickly.

The number one best suggestion I have for making anal sex amazing is to slow down. Way down. Even slower than that. Trust me.

There are a few different reasons why this can help. First, the internal anal muscle is controlled by the autonomic nervous system. As a result, while practice and experience can help us influence it, it’s not entirely within our control. It’ll squeeze and tighten up anytime we feel stress, anxiety, worry, or discomfort. So if you’re moving faster than the receiver’s body wants, their ass will probably clamp down in a protective response. The best way to keep that from happening is to go super slow and invite their ass to relax.

Second, the slower you go, the more attention you can give to the small changes in your partner’s arousal and make adjustments as needed. Even folks who are very experienced with anal play can enjoy the experience more when you start off slowly.

Third, there are two distinct sensations that can affect how someone enjoys anal play. First, there’s the relaxation of the anal muscles as they open up. A lot of people like the way that that stretch can feel. Second, there’s the in-and-out feeling as a finger, toy, or penis moves back and forth. If the muscles aren’t relaxed enough yet, there can be too much friction with that in-and-out sensation because the anus is squeezing and increasing the pressure. That friction can be uncomfortable, even when there’s plenty of lubricant. The slower you go, the less friction there is. Once the receiver is more relaxed and turned on, that becomes less of an issue.

One of my favorite kinds of hands-on coaching sessions with couples is demonstrating just how slow I mean by showing it on the receiver, and then guiding the giver as they practice it. More often than not, the giving partner thinks that they’re slowing down enough, and I tell them that they’re at a 7 when I want them at a 3. It makes a difference.

Of course, people who are familiar with anal play, and know both what they like and how their bodies respond can often speed things up. But that’s something that comes with experience. So it’s usually a better idea to start more slowly and then speed up than to go quickly and make it less fun than it could be.

2. Let Go Of Your Expectations

When most people think of anal sex, they assume it means intercourse or at the very least, penetration. But you don’t need to do that to have a great time with anal pleasure. In fact, it can feel wonderful to focus on the external muscle and the skin around it, without any penetration at all.

The more pressure you put on your partner or yourself for a particular outcome, the more difficult it can be to enjoy the erotic possibilities because the resulting stress can get in the way. And even folks who have plenty of experience with anal play can sometimes not be into it because they had a rough day. I’ve worked with a lot of people who have tried to make their bodies enjoy something that just wasn’t in the cards that day, and the more they tried to force it, the worse it felt.

If you can let go of any expectations about what kinds of pleasure you’ll be exploring, and focus instead on what feels good in the moment, you’ll create much more room for enjoyment and arousal. Sometimes, that might create opportunities for penetration, but don’t worry about it if it doesn’t happen. In fact, if you learn how to have fun without pushing for a particular kind of anal play, you might find that a future session goes more smoothly because both know that you’re enjoy the ride no matter where it goes.

The more you can follow the pleasure without expecting any specific route, the more you and your partner will enjoy anal play. It helps if you know lots of different ways to do that, and you might be surprised to discover just how many options you have. There are a lot of pleasures your hands and fingers can bring to your partner’s ass. It’s not complicated, but it’s also not always intuitive. The DVD Anal Massage for Relaxation and Pleasure will show you everything you need to know and you can find it on Amazon or you can stream it from the New School of Erotic Touch. You can also learn a lot from Jaiya’s DVD, Exquisite Anal Massage.

3. Don’t Forget To Include Other Pleasures

Whether your anal play includes penetration or not, one of the best ways to make it feel awesome is to bring your partner’s other erogenous zones into it. It’s easy to get so focused on what you’re doing to help them relax and feel good with the anal pleasure that you forget the rest of their body. That means you’re missing out on a lot of the erotic potential.

This is especially important for folks who are just beginning to explore anal play. I’ve found that a very effective way to bring something new into your sex life is to make it an add-on to a familiar pleasure. Arousal makes things feel better, and doing something that you know you like makes it feel safer. Think of it as making the new thing a side dish rather than the main course.

It can be tricky to give your attention to your partner’s ass while also pleasuring their penis, clitoris, vagina, or other sensitive spots (don’t forget the nipples!), so one great way to make it work is to have them use their hands or a sex toy while you focus on their butt. Remember that anal play doesn’t have to be only about the ass, unless they want it to be.

4. Touch Them With Care

In addition to being full of sensitive nerves, the anus is a place where a lot of people hold many different emotions. In particular, we often hold challenging feelings like anger, fear, or shame in the pelvic floor. And when those emotions are linked to past experiences of painful sex or sexual trauma, they can be held even more tightly. So it’s quite common for people to have many different feelings come up as they learn to relax the pelvic and anal muscles.

One of the most important things you can do to make anal sex fun is to touch your partner with care. Bring kindness to your hands and you’ll tell their body that you care about them and how they feel. That doesn’t mean you can’t have hard, raunchy sex. Touching with care doesn’t require you to be gentle. Consider how an intense, deep back massage can be given with care while also being quite powerful. If you want to have intense anal play, you can still do it with care.

When you give your attention to your partner, you bring yourself into to the present moment, rather than getting caught up in your fantasies or your expectations for how things will go. That gives you the room to focus on how you touch them and what you communicate to them through your fingers. People can feel that, even if they don’t know how to put it into words. And when your partner feels your care for their body, their pleasure, and their heart, they’ll feel more safe. That creates more relaxation and expands their capacity to feel good.

This All Sounds Familiar

Of course, you don’t have to only do these things with anal play. Slowing down, releasing expectations, including more of your partner’s pleasures, and touching with care can make any kind of sex hotter and more fun. That’s because they lay a foundation of safety and comfort, which is what makes it possible to build the passion and energy.

At the same time, the anus is so physically and emotionally sensitive that creating that foundation can be even more important than for other sexual pleasures, at least for many people. That’s especially true for anyone who has ever been pressured into having anal sex that didn’t feel good, or for anyone who has been sexually assaulted. I coach a lot of people who have had partners talk them into anal sex that they didn’t want to have, or who didn’t understand how to do it right, or who have had painful anal experiences, or whose consent and autonomy have been violated. Anytime those folks decide that they want to explore anal pleasure, I tell them that these four steps are essential. If they (or their partners) don’t feel confident in their ability to do all of them, I help them learn those skills as part of learning how to make anal play feel good. They often find that the rest of their sex lives improve, too.

Where Can You Learn How To Do All Of This?

One of the challenges that I see couples face is that anal sex is much easier to do when at least one partner knows what they’re doing. When both of them are newbies, there’s a lot more room for missing some of these steps. Fortunately, there are some great resources out there. In addition to The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure and the movies I mentioned above, I also recommend Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. Tristan also made three great how-to movies: The Expert Guide to Anal Sex, The Expert Guide To Advanced Anal Sex, and The Expert Guide To Anal Pleasure For Men.

You can also come to one of my workshops on anal play, which I teach all over the US and Canada. If you don’t see one scheduled in your area, I’m available for private classes. If you have a group of friends who’d like to bring me out to you, get in touch with me and let’s see what we can make happen.

And lastly, if you want customized instruction, I’m a certified somatic sex educator and I offer hands-on educational sessions. Bring a partner and I’ll coach you through everything you need to do to make anal play amazingly fun for both of you. You can find out more about that here.

And in the meantime, remember: slow down, let go of your expectations, include other pleasures, and touch with care. If you do all of those things, you’re on your way to awesome anal sex.

Get the “Bottoms Up” Anal Pleasure Kit from Lucky Bloke

Bottoms Up Kit from Lucky BlokeWhen you’re on the go or on the road, it’s important to have your gear ready. There’s nothing worse than not being able to enjoy a prostate massage simply because you’re out of gloves or lube. And when you want an evening pegging and anal intercourse, you want the best condoms around.

I’ve teamed up with Lucky Bloke to create the “Bottoms Up” Anal Pleasure Kit to make sure you have everything you need to make your backdoor adventures great! Each one includes:

  • Lube samplers: Please Gel, überlube, Sliquid Silk, Pjur Original
  • Condoms: Kimono Thin, Kimono MicroThin Large, Skyn, Skyn Large, Crown Skinless Skin
  • GLYDE Dams Strawberry & Vanilla
  • Intimate wipe from Swipes
  • Two pairs of nitrile gloves

Put one of these in your bag and you’re ready for whatever happens. And at the end of the night, the Swipes Intimate Wipe makes clean-up super easy.

You can get your own Bottoms Up kit at Lucky Bloke for only $18.99. That’s a great deal and it’s sure to make your next night of anal and prostate pleasure even more fun!

The Pulse Oscillating Vibrator Will Rock Your World

Pulse Oscillating StimulatorI get a lot of questions about prostate massage and pegging, and one of the most common is, “what about pleasuring the penis while we’re doing this?” During a prostate massage, some people like to use their other hand for that, though it can be tricky to coordinate everything. And when you’re pegging, you sometimes need both hands to hold yourself up.

A lot of people simply have the receiver stroke his cock, and that’s a really fun way to do it. But if you want to turn things up to 11, you should try the Pulse Oscillating Vibrator.

If you’ve never used a vibrator on your penis, you have no idea what you’re missing. The nerves in the penis are very similar to the nerves in the clitoris, so it makes sense that a lot of men enjoy vibrators, especially around the head. But most vibrators aren’t designed with penises in mind, so they’re either the wrong size, the wrong shape, or both. That’s where the Pulse really stands out.

The coating is silicone, so you can use any water-based or oil-based lubricant with it. Simply lube up your cock and slide it into the toy. The wings are flexible to fit most penises, and it works with a soft and a firm cock, and there are gentle ridges for added stimulation. Inside the toy, there’s a vibrator with nine speeds and it’s built to focus the sensation on the most sensitive area around and under the head of the penis. Most other toys have a low-amplitude vibration, which makes them buzzy or tickly. The Pulse has high-amplitude oscillation that create a deeper sensation that feels amazing.

If you have an erection, you can easily hold the Pulse right where you want it. If your penis is less firm, you can rest the toy on your body and let it cradle your penis. Gripping the wings will squeeze the vibrator against the shaft of your penis for a deeper vibration, or you can simply allow it to vibrate against you for a lighter touch.

However you use it, the Pulse makes prostate play so much easier because it frees things up. During a massage, the giver can easily hold it in place without having to worry about trying to coordinate their different hands. It’s also really simple to use during pegging, in almost any position. The one improvement that I can see would be a way to rest it on the bed so it would stay in place in a rear-entry position.

One of the best things about the Pulse is that it feels amazing no matter how firm your penis is. Since a lot of men find that anal penetration causes their erections to get softer (that may be because the muscular relaxation that allows penetration means less blood is trapped in the penis), the fact that this toy works like that is fantastic. In fact, some users even orgasm and ejaculate with a totally soft penis!

This toy is rechargeable in any USB port and runs for up to two hours, depending on the speed. Since it’s silicone, it’s pretty easy to clean, although you can’t submerge it in water so wiping it down seems like the best bet.

Here’s a short video from the maker, showing some of the other ways to use the Pulse. You can pick one on at sex-positive stores everywhere!

PULSE by Hot Octopuss from Adam Lewis on Vimeo.

Orgasm From Prostate Stimulation Alone?

Here’s a question I got from a reader:

Is it possible to ejaculate from prostate stimulation alone? If so, is it a matter of time..using vibration..or applying more pressure perhaps? I have seen videos online of men having a hands free orgasms or ejaculating a slow stream of cum as they stimulate themselves. I have had unbelievable sensations where I felt like I was about to orgasm any moment but that’s as far as it would go. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

While it is possible to ejaculate from prostate stimulation on its own, that might not be what’s happening in all of those videos. Prostate massage can cause the gland to produce much more fluid than usual, and it can certainly start coming out of the urethra during prostate play. However, in many of the videos that I’ve seen, the fluid is clear. That means that it’s prostatic fluid rather than ejaculate. Prostatic fluid is one part of ejaculate, but it’s not all that’s there.

As far as what causes this particular response, it seems to vary from one guy to another. You’ll probably need to experiment with different techniques to see what works for you. A vibrator can be useful because it gives you consistent stimulation over along period of time without getting tired like fingers do. They can also help you ramp up and ramp down to vary what you do, which keeps the prostate from tuning out. The Pop Your Top is a great one because it can give you intense sensations, and is made from silicone, so it’s easy to clean. You may also find that prostate-only ejaculation happens more easily during a long, slow, extended prostate massage session rather than one that leads more quickly to orgasm. The more aroused you are, the more likely it is to happen.

I also don’t want you to get to goal-oriented. A lot of men I’ve spoken with have enjoyed prostate play for many years without having that particular experience, just as many women enjoy G-spot stimulation without ever ejaculating. So don’t get too caught up on having any particular outcome. It might happen for you, or it might not. Or it might happen sometimes, and not other times. In fact, a lot of people say that the more they tried to make it happen, the harder it was.  If you focus on enjoying yourself and letting whatever experience come (no pun intended!), no you have a great time to matter what. In my experience, prostate-only ejaculation is all about letting go, rather than reaching for a particular goal. Just like G-spot ejaculation, it often happens by relaxing into it instead of striving for it.

The Multi-Orgasmic ManIt’s also possible to have non-ejaculatory orgasms from prostate massage. That’s because ejaculation happens primarily in the pelvis, while orgasm happens throughout the entire body especially the brain. Some men find that tantra and other sacred sex practices help them learn how to do this. The idea is to channel sexual energy throughout your entire body rather than keeping it focused just in the pelvis. It can take some time to learn, but it’s definitely worth it! The book The Multi-Orgasmic Man does a great job of explaining how to do this in easily understood, accessible language.

Just remember, this is all about having fun. So explore and experiment, but don’t forget to enjoy yourself!

Pegging Tips: The Mustang Silicone Dildo

Mustang VixSkin Realistic DildoIf you’re looking for a great dildo for pegging, you should take a look at the Mustang Silicone Dildo by Vixen. It’s an ideal toy for beginners or experienced peggers.

The Mustang is made from VixSkin, which is Vixen’s amazingly realistic silicone formula. The inner core is firm, which gives you the stability you need, while the outer layer has a softer texture. As a result, the toy has a much more life-like feel, especially once it warms to body temperature. The head of the dildo is almost entirely made from the softer silicone, so in addition to being more realistic, it doesn’t poke the way that some toys can.

One thing I like about all of the VixSkin dildos is that they’re a lot more flexible than some other toys. They’re certainly firm enough to make penetration easy, but having a little bend allows you to get into different positions. When dildos are too rigid, a small shift in angle can make them go from “yum” to “ouch.” I like how the VixSkin toys makes it easy to change positions without that happening.

I’m also impressed with how life-life these dildos are. They’re not totally realistic, since they’re uniform in color from base to tip, but when the lights are low, that doesn’t matter so much.

OK, I can hear you asking, how does it feel? The answer is “amazing!” The flexibility makes it comfortable and the firmness is just enough to be able to get good pressure on the prostate. The life-life head is an ideal shape for massaging the prostate, but if the end of the dildo happens to poke into it on the in-stroke, it’s soft enough to not be uncomfortable. All in all, the Mustang feels awesome.

The Mustang is 6.5″ long x 1.5″ across (16.5 cm x 3.8 cm), so it’s a pretty reasonable size, both for the giver and the receiver. And since it’s 100% silicone, it’s non-porous and easy to clean. Just wash it with soap and hot water. If you want to disinfect it, wash it and then put it in boiling water for five minutes or the top rack of a dishwasher. Simple! Plus, it has a round base, so it’ll work with any harness with a ring, though I’m partial to the SpareParts Harnesses for their great fit and fantastic style.

If you’re looking for a new dildo, I really can’t say enough good stuff about the Mustang Silicone Dildo. Pick one up today and see for yourself how great it is!

Take Your Prostate Massage To The Next Level With The Aneros Helix Syn

Helix Syn by AnerosI’ve been a big fan of the Aneros prostate massagers ever since their first products came out. Their unique designs are based on extensive research, and they really know their stuff. But the company isn’t content to rest on their past successes. They keep coming out with new toys.

On the surface, the Helix Syn is similar to the other Aneros prostate massagers. Designed for hands-free use, the toy levers into the prostate with each contraction of the pelvic floor. That means you can use it on its own, or you can combine it with other pleasures, including solo sex, oral play, or intercourse. But the Helix Syn offers amazing options that toys from other companies simply can’t match.

The inner core is rigid, but the outer layer is made from their Velvet Touch Silicone. The combined texture is amazingly similar to the way that a finger feels- firm on the inside, with a softer layer around it. The Helix Syn offers sensations that are more like a massage from a finger than anything else I’ve ever tried.

Take a look at the part of the base that curves upward. It’s meant to rest on the perineum, which creates a levering action when you squeeze the right muscles. (The same muscles that make your erection bounce. They also squeeze during ejaculation.)  What makes that arm different is that it’s flexible, rather than rigid. You might think that that means you’d get less sensation, but if you have well-toned muscles, you’ll have amazing control over how the toy moves.

If you’ve been doing your exercises, you can get the Helix Syn to provide light touch, deeper sensation, or anything in between. You do need to have pretty good muscular control to get the most out of your experience, so if you haven’t been doing your Kegels, you might do better with the MGX Classic. (Here’s my write-up about it.) Keeping your PC muscle in shape with Kegel exercises makes any kind of prostate play a lot more fun, so check out this post for some tips.

One thing- since the Helix Syn is so light and relies on fairly subtle motions, you’ll get more pleasure from it if you aren’t moving around a lot. So if you want to use it during intercourse, it works better if you’re on your back with your partner on top of you. If you’re doing a lot of thrusting, you probably won’t have as much control over how it moves. But it’s really amazing during oral sex or handjobs!

The insertable length is 4 inches (just over 10 com), so it’s the perfect length to reach the prostate. It’s about as wide as a finger, so it’s pretty easy to insert, even if you’re new to prostate play. You can use it with any water-based or oil-based lubricant, but don’t use silicone lubes since some of them bond with silicone toys and ruin them. And clean-up is easy. Just wash it with soap and hot water.

When you’re ready to experience a prostate massage that’ll rock your world, give the Helix Syn a try. It’s one of the most amazing toys I’ve ever used.

Check Out These Amazing Reviews!

Its always a pleasure to hear from folks about our book and how much they’ve enjoyed reading it. Here are some of the highlights from our Amazon page.

“I’m not exactly a novice when it comes to sex, and I have to admit that when I began flipping through this manual, I expected to see things that I already knew. I was pleasantly surprised to find a whole wealth of information, including helpful (and tasteful) illustrations. I LOVE that it includes chapters on the social and psychological elements of prostate play, like gender roles and what it means for a man to be penetrated in our society.” (link)

“This superb guide combines the friendliness of a good buddy with the savvy knowledge of a top-notch sex educator, explaining the in’s and out’s, how’s and why’s, of prostate pleasure, including answering those questions you thought you couldn’t ask anybody. Whatever you want to know about the pleasures and the how-to’s of prostate stimulation, it’s in this book.” (link)

“I have been exploring prostate play for many years. I’m a queer man, and prior to reading, I was expecting to know all about this little area of my sexuality. Instead, I found that while reading this book, I was continually saying, “oh, that makes sense, I’ve never thought about that before…” “(link)

“Really appreciated this book, felt like talking to a really knowledgeable friend who knew stuff.. Approachable, answered my questions and worries/concerns, super recommended by a newbie!” (link)

“While I appreciate this book for all the wisdom in imparts I love this book for HOW it imparts that wisdom. It is a pleasure to read! The language does get clinical when the subject matter calls for it but overall the tone is casual, relaxed, friendly. By simply approaching this topic in this manner, Charlie Glickman and Aislinn Emirzian are taking big steps to help folks escape the “man box” and explore without fear.” (link)

Can check out the rest of the reviews or pick up a copy for yourself in either paperback or kindle at Amazon!

Troubleshooting Your Pegging Gear

Here’s a question that came in via Facebook:

We need a good harness and dildo. I know there’s issues with dildo materials being toxic, which is why I am hesitant to shop online. If you have recommendations I’d be thrilled.

The other issue I’ve had in the past has been dildo angle. Most harnesses cause a dildo to angle downward. I find this make anal insertion very problematic. A few dildos have an upward bend and this helps, but the harness tends to undo most of this.

Has anyone addressed this with a 45° upward harness? I think this would be a great invention. Most penises tend to angle upward like this; it makes insertion much easier for most positions.

OK, let’s take this one piece at a time. You’re right to be careful about what kinds of toys you use. For a long time, many sex toy manufacturers sold vibrators, dildos, and buttplugs that contained phthalates. These are chemicals that are used to soften plastics and they’re commonly used in shower curtains, linoleum floors, and many other household items. Several years ago, there was some research suggesting that they weren’t safe for use in baby products like teething rings because they caused neurological problems in young rats. This led to some understandable concern within the sex toy world, although the one piece of research that I’m aware of concluded that they are safe for up to one hour of use per day, except for pregnant or nursing women.

Nevertheless, a lot of people were worried about it, which led to some changes in the sex toy industry. Good Vibrations took the lead in discontinuing these products in 2007, and many other companies followed suit. Eventually most toy manufacturers stopped using phthalates, which is why you’ll sometimes see “phthalate-free” on the package.

Having said all that, if you pick a high-quality silicone dildo, like those made by Vixen Creations and Pleasure Works, you don’t need to be worried about it because they don’t use phthalates. Plus, these dildos are non-porous, so they’re easy to clean with soap and water. If you want to take it a step further, wash your dildo and then put it in boiling water for five minutes or the top rack of a dishwasher. (I’m a big fan of the Charm, and not just because I helped design it.)

So once you have a dildo picked out, you need to pick a harness that’ll work. You’re right that the shape of the dildo is important, especially since you’ll find that a curved toy works better for hitting the prostate. But it can be tricky to get the right angle. That’s usually due to the harness not holding the base firmly enough, or because of the angle of the wearer’s pelvis. Let’s take that one at a time.

Ideally, the base of the dildo should be right up against the wearer’s body. That means that you want a harness that’ll fit snugly enough to give solid support. It can be difficult if you like larger toys since the weight of the dildo will tend to pull it down, but you can minimize that if you find a harness with a good fit.

The Velvet Harness is a great one to start with since it’s super adjustable and reasonably priced. Get the base of the dildo on the wearer’s pubic bone. If it’s too low on her body, it’ll hang at the wrong angle. Adjust the waist strap, and then the thigh straps to get it firmly in place.

If you want a harness that looks a bit fancier and feels better for the wearer, try the Joque Harness by SpareParts. The material is softer and the wider waist strap often feels more comfortable. And while this harness rides a bit lower, the fabric is reinforced to minimize drooping. Some folks worry about it not holding the dildo as firmly against the body, but SpareParts does that on purpose because the base of the dildo will press into the clitoris with each thrust. A lot of women discover that they can even orgasm from pegging with one of these. And if you want something with a different look, check out the other gorgeous harnesses they make.

But even with the right harness, a dildo might hang down at a difficult angle. For some women, that’s because of the tilt of their pelvis. If someone’s hips tilt forward, their pubic bone will be pointing at a downward angle, which is going to make it more difficult to keep their dildo pointed upward. Stretching the lower back and strengthening the abs can help, but not for everyone.

The Bump And Grinder silicone dildo is angled upwards, and the base is designed to give extra clitoral stimulation to the wearer. I haven’t spoken to anyone who’s used it, and I’m curious to know if it works as it’s intended. I’d also like to hear about those ridges behind the head.

If your favorite dildo is tricky to get at the right angle, you can also play around with positions to make it easier. If the guy who’s receiving is on his back, put a pillow under his hips to lift his ass up. The Liberator Wedge and Ramp can help. (Here’s my review of them.) And you can also try holding the dildo by hand until it gets inserted, at which point, the receiver’s body will support it.

I hope that helps!