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March 12, 2013

Five Great Positions For Pegging

Filed under: Sex Tips — Tags: , , , , — Charlie @ 3:27 pm

We get a lot of folks asking us for tips to make pegging and anal intercourse work better for prostate play. Once you have your toys, lubricant, and other goodies, and you have your partner is all warmed up and ready to go, it’s time to figure out which positions you want to try. Of course, each combination of people will need to experiment a bit since successful sex positions are partly determined by size, flexibility, strength, and other factors. But here are a five of my favorite positions.

1) Face to face

This is one of the more popular pegging positions for a lot of people. Being able to see your partner’s face can be a lot of fun, and it keeps everyone’s hands available for penis stimulation. It usually works better if the receiver has his hips on a pillow to lift them up a bit because it gives easier access. It’s also good to put a pillow or two under his head. That makes it more comfortable, and curving the spine in a gentle C-shape can make the prostate easier to reach.

Have him raise his knees to his chest and support them in his hands to help relax the pelvic muscles and straighten out the curves of the rectum to give you a straight shot. You can also hold them up for him, like in the picture, to give a little extra support. Try it with his knees closer together or further apart. The more he can relax into the experience, the more fun you can both have!

2) Elbow and knees

If you like rear entry, put him on his elbows and knees, rather than hands and knees. That keeps the pressure off of his wrists, so he’ll last longer. And anal sex often works better if his hips are higher than his shoulders, so that’s another plus. You can grab his hips to control the depth, you can let him do the moving, or both!

Try having him move his knees closer together to raise him up or further apart to lower him down so you can get exactly the right angle. Aim the curve of your dildo downward towards his navel or it’ll miss his prostate. This is one big advantage dildos have over penises- you can rotate them to the best position. When he gets tired, slip a Liberator Wedge under him and keep on going.

3) Standing & bent over

Another fun variation on rear entry is to have him standing on the floor, bent over the bed or couch or kitchen table. Just like hands and knees, he can move his feet to raise and lower himself. And since he has the support of the surface under him, he can rest his body and let you take over.

Some guys have tight hamstring muscles, which can make this position a challenge. Roll up a towel and put it under his heels. When your heels are higher than your toes, it makes it easier to move your hips, which is one reason high heels can look so sexy. Of course, if you both enjoy having him wear high heels, that works just as well. But it’s not necessary, since the towel will do the trick.

4) Cowboy

Want a fun variation on face-to-face? Lie back and have him straddle you with his knees on the bed. In this position, he has total control over the angle, depth, and speed so you can enjoy the show.

Here’s a fun trick- have him slide all the way down (or at least, as far as he enjoys) and instead of moving up and down, he can swivel his hips from front to back, from side to side, or in circles. Your dildo or penis will massage his prostate with each move and he can try different speeds and directions to find the ones he likes most. This is a great way for you to take a break if you’ve been thrusting pretty hard. (Pegging is also great motivation for doing pilates. Just saying.)

5) On his side

This one can be a little tricky, but it’s worth it. He lies on his side on the bed and brings his upper knee to his chest. Both his hip and knee are bent at 90 degrees. Put a pillow under his knee, and straddle his lower leg. It won’t work for all folks- if he’s a lot bigger than you, you might have trouble reaching. But it’s super relaxing for him and it’s often a good choice for men with injuries or other mobility limitations.

So there you have it. Five great positions for pegging and anal intercourse. We have a lot more suggestions and tips in our book, so if you want to make pegging even more fun, grab a copy and see what fun you can get up to!

Charlie

Charlie

I'm a writer, blogger, teacher, workshop facilitator, sex & relationship coach, and a certified somatic sex educator. I teach workshops and seminars on many different sexuality topics, including sex-positivity, sex & shame, communities of erotic affiliation, many different sexual practices, gender & masculinity, and sexual politics. Contact me for more information, to arrange a speaking engagement, or to find out how I can help you create an amazing sex life.

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December 26, 2012

How Pegging Can Help Save The World

Filed under: Sex Tips — Tags: , , — Charlie @ 10:37 am

It’s a cliche that before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, but that’s because there’s a lot of truth to that statement.  After all, once you’ve experienced something from another person’s perspective, it’s much easier to imagine what it’s like for them. That’s one reason why I think pegging can go a long way toward improving things. Pegging is the term for when women use dildos and strap-on harnesses with male partners. (Is there a different term when people of other genders use strap-ons with male partners?) And while the main reason people do it is because it’s lots of fun, I think there’s an added benefit that lots of folks don’t know about.

There have been plenty of books written about how male/female couples can improve their relationships by learning to see things from the other person’s perspective. Of course, that’s helpful for couples of all gender combinations and sexual orientations, but the differences in both biology and experience often create barriers for m/f pairs. Pegging is a surprisingly effective way to find out what sex is like for your partner.

For men who have never been on the receiving side of penetration, sex is something that happens outside the body. And when sex is external to your body, it can be easier to do when you have a headache or you’re not quite in the mood. A lot of men discover than when sex is about catching rather than pitching, their mood, their emotions, and their connection to a partner can often have a bigger influence on what they want to do and how it feels.

I’ve talked with quite a few men about what they’ve learned from pegging and although it isn’t universal, many of them have said that they have a better understanding how their female partners might need more warm-up before intercourse, or might be in the mood for sex but not penetration, or how much one’s pleasure can be affected by seemingly minor events. Granted, anal penetration is different from vaginal penetration, but my point is simply that a physical experience can be a much more effective teacher than reading a book, just as a picture is worth 1000 words.

On the flip side, when they try pegging, a lot of women discover how much work, responsibility, and (sometimes) power can go along with fucking someone. And that’s without worrying about their cock ejaculating too soon, getting soft at random moments, or being the wrong size (assuming they have choices- there are lots of dildo options out there).

So while I’m not suggesting that it’s a cure-all, I do think that trying out sex from the other side can make it easier to understand and have compassion for your partner. That isn’t limited to m/f couples or, for that matter, pegging. But given how many heterosexual folks have never tried strap-on play, it does seem like there’s an unmet need there. It won’t make communication miraculously easy and it won’t fix everything about sexism or gender-based inequities. What it can do (besides being lots of fun) is help people develop empathy, compassion, and understanding for their partners. And the more of that we have in the world, the better.


Want to try it out? Check out our book The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners for a great overview of how to do it. Or check out this page on pegging and anal intercourse for plenty of tips to get you started.

Charlie

Charlie

I'm a writer, blogger, teacher, workshop facilitator, sex & relationship coach, and a certified somatic sex educator. I teach workshops and seminars on many different sexuality topics, including sex-positivity, sex & shame, communities of erotic affiliation, many different sexual practices, gender & masculinity, and sexual politics. Contact me for more information, to arrange a speaking engagement, or to find out how I can help you create an amazing sex life.

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December 5, 2012

What Is Prostate Milking?

Filed under: Sex Tips — Tags: , , — Charlie @ 9:44 am

One of the tricky things about sex terminology is that a lot of sexual act have multiple terms (think about how many different ways there are to talk about intercourse) and some words have multiple meanings. Prostate milking is one of those phrases that can mean a few different things.

What is Prostate Milking?

For some folks, prostate milking simply means prostate massage. We’ve heard some guys use this phrase to talk about any kind of prostate massage, whether it’s erotic or therapeutic, especially when prostatic fluid is released into the urethra and comes out of the tip of the penis.

Other folks think of prostate milking as the experience of having a prostate orgasm without any direct penis stimulation.  This is less common when someone is new to prostate pleasure, and plenty of guys with lots of experience never have that happen. That’s totally ok- it’s similar to how some women can orgasm from G-spot stimulation while others need other sensations to get them over the top.

Still another way to think of prostate milking is a prostate massage technique that’s meant to stroke and squeeze the fluids into the urethra, sort of like wringing out a sponge. Place your finger on the outside edge of the prostate and apply firm pressure, sliding from the edge to the center. Repeat a few times before switching to the other side. This massages the fluids out of the microscopic glands, into the urethra. Follow this up with a top-to-bottom stroke down the center to encourage the fluids out of the prostate.

This last kind of prostate milking can be done for different reasons. Some men simply enjoy the sensations it provides. Some couples do it as part of a BDSM game or role play.  And some folks do it for prostate health. The idea is that flushing out fluids and clearing blocked glands helps the body get rid of harmful wastes and pathogens that might cause problems.

Whatever you call it and however you do it, remember that the goal is to feel good. Try a few different techniques or positions and see what works for you. We have lots of tips and ideas in our book!

Charlie

Charlie

I'm a writer, blogger, teacher, workshop facilitator, sex & relationship coach, and a certified somatic sex educator. I teach workshops and seminars on many different sexuality topics, including sex-positivity, sex & shame, communities of erotic affiliation, many different sexual practices, gender & masculinity, and sexual politics. Contact me for more information, to arrange a speaking engagement, or to find out how I can help you create an amazing sex life.

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October 4, 2012

Opening to Receiving

Filed under: Sex Tips — Tags: , — Charlie @ 10:49 am

“It’s so much easier to be on the giving side. To receive is much harder — one actually has to be more delicate, if I may say so. One has to help people to be more generous. By receiving from others, by letting them help you, you really aid them to become bigger, more generous, more magnanimous. You do them a service.”
-Henry Miller

One of the common concerns that men have when it comes to receiving prostate play or anal penetration is the fear that it implies anything about their masculinity. There are a lot of assumptions about being penetrated. It’s seen as “the woman’s role” or something that gay men do, so straight men are often hesitant to try it.

It’s not only straight guys who worry about it, either. Some top-identified gay dudes think that they can’t bottom because of what that might mean. Of course, for lots of gay and bi guys, it’s simply a matter of preference- there’s a difference between “I don’t want to because I don’t enjoy it/I don’t want to do it right now.” and “I don’t want to because that would make me less macho.” After all, recent research shows that fewer than 40% of gay and bi men had anal sex the last time they had sex. So I’m certainly not going to suggest that everyone has to try it or has to like it or has to do it every time. And yet, if someone won’t do it because he’s afraid of what it might imply about him, he’s missing out on some potentially amazing fun and I think that’s unfortunate.

Part of what I find so important to bring up around this is that the messages that say that receiving penetration is unmanly are all inside our heads. They’re part of the “Act Like a Man” Box and they keep a lot of men from discovering new ways to experience pleasure and have fun. And a lot of men’s partners have told me that they wish that their guys could get over that.

There’s something incredibly powerful about a man who can be fully present in his masculinity while also being open and receptive. Something life-changing happens when you realize that you can let go of the shame, relax, and receive without worrying about being less of a man. In my experience, that’s often part of the process of letting go of the performance model of masculinity and learning to pick and choose which facets of your gender are authentically yours and which are externally imposed. Sure, you can certainly engage in that work without receiving anal play, but there things that the embodied experience can teach you that no amount of talking or processing ever can. It’s a profoundly transformative experience that can’t really be described- you just have to lean into the scary places and see for yourself.

And let’s not forget that learning to receive makes more room to discover the amazing pleasures of prostate play. When it comes to sexual pleasure, the prostate is very similar to the G-spot. Men who have tried prostate stimulation often say that the orgasms feel more expansive or bigger. They might learn how to have multiple (non-ejaculatory) orgasms, riding wave after wave of pleasure. And lots of men have discovered that it has made them better lovers and more attuned to their partner’s bodies and desires. If that’s not a great incentive, I don’t know what is!

Letting these inflexible notions of what it means to be a man keep you from experiencing something so amazing seems like a pity to me. I know that it can be scary. And I’ve also talked with enough men of all sexual orientations who have discovered incredible pleasure once they let go of these ideas to know how powerful that experience can be. So my suggestion to you is to try it out. You might really be surprised by how much fun you can have and how much it can change your entire perspective on what it means to be a man.

Charlie

Charlie

I'm a writer, blogger, teacher, workshop facilitator, sex & relationship coach, and a certified somatic sex educator. I teach workshops and seminars on many different sexuality topics, including sex-positivity, sex & shame, communities of erotic affiliation, many different sexual practices, gender & masculinity, and sexual politics. Contact me for more information, to arrange a speaking engagement, or to find out how I can help you create an amazing sex life.

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