Talking With Your Partner

If you want to have amazing sex, being able to talk with your partner (before, during, and after) is the most important tool in your toolbox. That’s especially true when you’re starting out, but even experienced prostate players say that it’s really useful. Since anal pleasure is really affected by how you feel in the moment, knowing that you can talk with each other to address any discomfort is a great way to make sure you’re both having fun.

First Things First

Sharing your curiosity, interest, or fantasies around anal play or prostate pleasure can sometimes feel scary, but trust us- it’ll help you have a fun time. Those conversations usually work best in non-sexual settings. Introduce the topic over dinner or while going for a walk instead of during or after sex. If your partner has a hard time hearing it, there will be more room to talk it out.

You might say something like, “I ran across a website about prostate stimulation that talked about how more men are trying it. Have you heard about that?” or “I’veĀ  heard how fun prostate massage can be and I’ve read a little about it. I’m sort of curious about it.” A neutral introduction to the topic gives them enough room to respond. Keep it simple, straightforward, and clear.

If your partner would like more information, send them the link to our website! One of our goals is to make sure everyone gets their questions answered so they can enjoy themselves. And since we cover the common questions and myths in the book, you can also share your copy with your lover. The more they know about prostate pleasure, the easier it’ll be for them to talk about it.

Keep Talking During Sex

Let each other know how you’re doing during sex, too. That’s especially useful for anal play since the anus is so sensitive to how you’re feeling. If you can set up a feedback loop, you’ll both find that there’s more room to feel good.

If you’re on the receiving end, let your partner know that it feels good. It’s been said that relationships work best when you give five pieces of positive feedback for every piece of constructive criticism. So if you’ve been telling your lover how much you’re enjoying their massage, they’re a lot less likely to take it personally if you let them know that you’d like something to change.

For folks on the giving side, you can help that along by asking for feedback, especially when you’re new to this kind of sex and you’re figuring out what works for your lover. Here are two great ways to do that:

Give him two choices and ask which one feels better. That’s especially good for massage techniques since you can change from one to another pretty easily. Tell him what you’re doing: “Here’s A (do it for a while). And here’s B (do that for a while). Which one do you like more?

Ask him to rate each technique on a scale of 1 to 10. Since it can be really fun to change the intensity from higher to lower, knowing which things he rates a 4 and which get a 9 is really useful information.

You can also check in with him every so often about the position, whether he has enough lube, or if he’d like something else.


Being able to offer feedback after you’ve had sex is a fantastic way to make sure the next time is even more fun. You might find that this works better if you don’t shift out of the afterglow and into discussing it. Enjoy the comedown and have the conversation later, or the next day.

If you’re not sure how to tell your partner how it was for you, here are three useful questions to get you started.

  1. What was one thing that you really enjoyed or would like to make sure happens again?
  2. Describe one thing that didn’t happen that you’d like to include next time.
  3. Talk about one thing that you would have liked to have been different.

You can both answer all three questions, either alternating back and forth or sharing all three at once.

The more you can open up the conversation at all three stages, the more room you’ll have for an amazingly pleasurable time. If you find it’s challenging at first, don’t let that get you down! Take it one step at a time and see where it goes. With a little practice, you might be surprised at how easy it gets.

What Now?

Prostate play and men receiving anal sex can bring up a lot of different thoughts and feelings, for guys and their partners. In fact, after hearing from so many men about it, we devoted an entire chapter of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure to the topic. Pick up your copy and hear what guys had to say about it, and get some suggestions for dealing with some of the hurdles. Once you do, you’ll be on your way to new adventures!